When Relationships Bring Out the Worst in You
When Relationships Bring Out the Worst in You
The Quiet Corner | FS Psychotherapy
Most of us like to think we know who we are.
We have a sense of ourselves as patient or impatient, confident or anxious, easy-going or sensitive. We move through the world carrying a relatively stable picture of our personality and character. Then a relationship comes along and suddenly we find ourselves behaving in ways that feel unfamiliar.
Perhaps you become jealous in a relationship despite never seeing yourself as a jealous person. Perhaps you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance, overthinking text messages, or feeling unusually anxious when someone pulls away. Perhaps you become defensive, withdrawn, critical, or reactive in ways that leave you wondering, Where did that come from?
These experiences can be deeply uncomfortable. They can also be confusing, particularly when they seem at odds with how we see ourselves. It is often tempting to conclude that the relationship is simply wrong, that the other person is the problem, or that we are. Sometimes those things may be true. But often there is something more complex happening beneath the surface.
Relationships Have a Way of Finding Our Tender Spots
Close relationships occupy a unique place in our lives. Unlike colleagues, acquaintances, or strangers, the people we become emotionally attached to matter to us. Their presence matters. Their absence matters. Their approval, attention, and availability matter. The closer someone gets, the more likely they are to encounter the parts of us that are usually kept hidden. This is not because relationships create insecurities out of nowhere. More often, they reveal vulnerabilities that have existed for a long time. A delayed reply may touch something deeper than the message itself. A disagreement may awaken an old fear of rejection. A misunderstanding may stir feelings of not being heard, valued, or understood. When this happens, our reactions are not only about what is happening in the present moment. The present and the past begin to overlap.
Old Patterns in New Relationships
Human beings learn about relationships through relationships. Our earliest experiences of connection often shape what feels familiar, expected, and safe later in life. If love was consistent and reliable, trusting others may come relatively easily. If affection felt unpredictable, conditional, or unavailable, relationships can become more complicated. You may find yourself expecting people to leave, even when there is little evidence that they will. You may work tirelessly to keep others happy in order to avoid conflict. You may struggle to ask for what you need because experience has taught you that your needs are too much for other people. These patterns are rarely conscious choices. More often, they are adaptations. Ways of protecting ourselves that made sense at an earlier stage of life. The difficulty is that what protected us in one relationship does not always serve us well in another.
When We Do Not Like the Person We Become
One of the hardest aspects of relationship difficulties is the shame that often accompanies them. People frequently say things like, "I hate how needy I become," or "I don't know why I react like this." There can be a tendency to judge ourselves harshly for our responses rather than becoming curious about them. Yet our emotional reactions usually have a history. That does not mean every reaction is justified, nor does it mean we are powerless to change. But understanding where a pattern comes from is often the first step towards changing it. It is difficult to respond differently when we are busy criticising ourselves for having the reaction in the first place. Sometimes the question is not, "What's wrong with me?" Sometimes the more useful question is, "What part of my experience is being touched here?"
Relationships as Opportunities for Understanding
Although relationship struggles can be painful, they can also teach us something important about ourselves. The moments that provoke the strongest reactions often point towards areas of vulnerability that deserve attention. The fear beneath the anger. The sadness beneath the withdrawal. The longing beneath the self-protection. When we begin to understand these deeper layers, relationships can become less about blame and more about insight. Not because difficult feelings disappear, but because they start to make sense.
What Therapy Can Offer
Many people come to therapy believing they need help with a relationship. As we talk, they often discover that what they really want is to understand why certain situations affect them so deeply.
Therapy provides a space to explore the patterns that emerge in relationships without judgement or criticism. Together, we can begin to understand how past experiences may influence present connections, identify recurring themes, and develop a more compassionate understanding of your reactions.
A person-centred approach is not about assigning blame or deciding who is right and wrong. It is about creating space for understanding, growth, and greater awareness of how you relate to yourself and others.
Sometimes the goal is not to become a different person in relationships.
It is to feel more free to be yourself within them.
Federica Savoré is a BACP Accredited psychotherapist and COSCA Practitioner offering counselling, supervision and training in Aberdeen and online. To get in touch, visit fspsychotherapy.com/contact-me.
